whining for desires on a silver platter

I have a spare minute or so and I really should be working on my scholarship applications but during class today I got thinking and I want to share what was on my mind.
Higher education. I’m working on my second year of college, after a deferral, a change of major and a transfer I am finally on the path to what I hope will be my life’s career. I enjoy school. I like to study because I love to learn. I just feel good in the academic world, it speaks to me of opportunity, of new windows I’ve never seen out of and so on and so forth. So as I’m sitting in my 6:30-9 pm lecture the professor begins covering logistics and such, then he reaches for a marker to write on the white board. There is none, luckily he brought his own in his briefcase. . .Hold on, my thousands of dollars in tuition and student fees can’t provide a white board marker? What about the rest of my classmate’s then? I know our money is not going to pay his salary. . . The lights are flickering above the stained carpet so I don’t think the funds are going into maintenance of these buildings.
Then that got me thinking. Higher education huh? what an interesting system I find myself in. I’m taking a health class where they are focusing on balance of stress, diet etc. Yet I wonder how I can seriously be expected to balance anything with two jobs in an attempt to keep up with tuition or 5 classes in order to stay on track to graduate anywhere near the alloted time before my financial aid runs out. Or nutrition? How can students balance their bodies when the food offered on campus is processed and added on to until it can hardly be called food anymore. I’m not the only one experiencing these things though, of course not. My friend who also attends a public NH university was talking to me about her schedule and how she needs to find more things to fluff up her resume. She needs an internship along with her full class load, and she should probably have a job just to have some money. Oh and our GPA’s need to stay above a certain number or our funding and desirability will be threatened. Then to put the icing on it all I read a report that says the salary differences between a bachelor degree holder and someone without a degree is almost null and void because of the loans that college students graduate with.
Its tough. Its like rolling a rock up hill or punching underwater. I want my degree though. I want to take these classes and learn all this stuff. Never mind the social aspect of being educated versus not. I don’t want to make millions, I don’t have plans that I’ll run people over to fulfill. I just want to do this thing that I’ve been told to do, so I can work doing what I want to do. I have this sneaking suspicion I’m just in a game played by something much bigger than me.

time & melancholy

I imagine my face, not as in a mirror but as I see it. In my minds eye I am something of a mix of past and future. I’m the best and worst of what I know of myself. This face is more than a picture, it’s a sum of all my being. I see it soft and beautiful as we all wish to be, innocent. Filled with sunshine and smooth, living in a world where reality is light and easy. But then I see a crust beginning to form. Maybe it began long ago when I realized what anger can look like. Or a sum of the pain of loss, of time. Life like sun will beat upon a countenance, turning it tough, leathery. I see each betrayal, tear, angry work working upon my face to change it. I see physical pain; hunger, abuse of my hand, abuse by others. I see fear glazing over my eye. I see hopelessness scrubbing the former shine away. Each moment beats itself into me until there is nothing left of the soft beauty from before. What is left is aged, tired, broken. The skin is cracked from the blaze of the sun. The mouth drops as if in defeat. The eyes are listless, heartbreaking eyes.
Is this time? Is this what becomes of us all?

Mother Teresa

Now

I’m here now. And that is exactly where I’m supposed to be

Happiness? is it worth it

“If your unhappy too many days in a row, its time to look at what your doing look at your priorities and make the changes to maintain your happiness.”

What a novel concept! It seems simple. We only have what maybe 85 years in this life? with no guarantees what so ever.

Life is about happiness. what else is there?

Monday morning!

And so another week begins! This week is the second week of implicating my “self-care plan”. Its a breakdown to try to manage everything that’s going on in my life. I, like so many other 20 year old girls I know, love stickie notes, planners, lists anything to keep things organized. Recognizing that I’ve tried to break the stressors and just other more neutral factors of my daily existence in a manageable form.

This is in response to anxiety, neurotic, depressed behavior I am starting to see in myself. I so don’t want to be in my 40′s before I realize I should be living differently. anyways

I’m focusing on 1) the body – what I eat, what I inhale, how and when my muscles are being used. All this effects the whole being. . . or so I’ve been told 2)relationships – When I’m stressed I love nothing more than to hole up and chew on my thoughts. Not necessarily a healthy practice. I’m attempting to keep social and communicate more openly. And lastly the one I’d rather avoid 3) the spiritual me – No use denying it we all have an interior “spiritual” or whatever you’d like to call it. Generally in my micro and macro culture, I guess, this guy gets ignored. But the body is a whole, all bits need attention in order to function at the prime level. . . Whatever that may be.

OH! I’m gonna be late for work!!

Its a quiet day at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore. . .

There’s only been a few customers today. I’ve got Pandora playing a Jack Johnson station trying to chase away some of the gloom of a rainy Saturday. The leaves are gorgeous outside despite the rain, I love realizing how lucky I am to be living up north here in New Hampshire. Its just the perfect location, gorgeous mountains everywhere but not too secluded. It’s quiet here and you can see the stars at night but if you need the bustle of people and cars and noise its not too far off.

I’ve been surfing the web trying to find some internship opportunites. I’m in my sophmore/junior year of the Bachelors of Social Work program at Plymouth State. I love it, social work is the path for me. The options seem endless and as I read about the various places my skills and efforts can be utilized I can feel the exctiment rising. I am interested in working with immigrants and Spanish speakers, there’s a need for social workers there. I find biology and the human body fascinating, social workers are needed in hospitals for patient relations. I believe in the strength of a family unit and the value of our children, and one of the social work pledges is to defend these things. I could go on but I’ll spare you; my point is I feel like I’ve got a whole world ahead of me to be explored. It’s a nice feeling to daydream of the day when maybe I’ll be putting all my studies to practice.

I’m reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat Pray Love” for the second time. May I take this time to applaud that woman’s wittisims and insight on such practical human components such as eating, praying and loving. . .  I find so many quotable phrases in her writings, I would jot them all down but then I realize I’m just transposing her entire novel.

One thought of Gilbert’s that I’ll leave you with is this-  ”True wisdom gives you the only possible answer at any given moment.” I find such peace in that simple statement. It’s valid isn’t it, how I love to labor over things thinking out the what-if’s, if only’s. I send myself into panics sometimes trying to find answers; answers for longterm problems, short term situations, plans and dreams.

hmm.

It’s getting chilly. I love the change of seasons it always speaks to me of excitement, anticipation, something just around the corner.

overload

I’m no poetry writer. This is probably my first attempt that wasn’t assigned. I love the sound of spoken word poets such as Sarah Kay and the def poetry jam guests, Here is my stab at this art

I need direction
Or is it just that I want perfection?
If only life was a box of confections
I wouldn’t feel this constant dissection
this constant reflection

I need a conclusion
am I living an illusion?
I’m covered in contusions
no amount of transfusions
will quiet these intrusions

quit
you endless wit
grin and grit
maybe my head won’t
split.

fear itself

Sometimes I’m afraid. Thats hard for me to admit, I like to view myself as a strong person. I pride myself (probably too much) on being able to handle what comes at me with efficiency and affectivity. But when it comes down to it, when I open the closet door and check in on all my skeletons I realize I am just simply that, afraid. I’m afraid I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough or attractive enough. I’m afraid I’ll fall into the lumps of categories I put other people into. I’m terrified of failure, I might fail school, I might fail my family I might fail in my relationships. I might be kicked out, cast out, and spit at by my biggest foe, my very self. You see I’ve set the standards. I’ve created the expectations as high or as low as they might be. Its tempting sometimes to hide away and make no action as to meet no failure. I can’t do that either though, I’m not satisfied with that road. My fears are mine alone even though I’m sure we all share them. I want to harness my shortcomings and use them as steam to power forward, instead of cowering below these thoughts.

So what’s my conclusion? Where do these realizations bring me? No where particularly, I find solace in putting down my thoughts, inspecting my being finding resolution through realization. Roosevelt said “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” I’m not sure if he was correct in context but here I can grab those words and nod my head in agreement.