An introspective call to action

I’m so thankful for the life I’ve had and the roads ahead. The realization that we are all just steps away from ‘that’, whatever that may be. It may be a few paychecks away from being without a home, a few bad decisions away from losing the ones we love and our bodies along with it.

Looking at my vulnerabilities allows me to realize how truly blessed I am, and recognize I am not here through my strength alone. Attempting to better understand the world I live in has once again illustrated to me my good fortune, that is not through any skill of mine.

The thought that confronts me now is this; how do I turn this thankfulness into action? It seems to me that all my thoughts and contemplations would be wasted if somewhere along the line they don’t translate into movement.

water; everyone drinks it, everyone writes about it

Found this in some stored papers, I wrote it 7/10. I like it, I like even more that I was meditating on the essence of water two days before I discovered this long lost piece of art.

“My life is a turbulent river.
Each year a new stretch of water passing on.
Ever in motion, constantly moving, shifting, changing
At times there are smooth pools of water,
flowers flourishing on the banks the water continues on it’s course
but takes a respite to swirl and rest.

Other times there are rushing currents.
Brush and debris caught in the flow,
whipping around creating a dam
to stop the water’s flow.
Yet onward it continues.

There are waterfalls;
heavy crashing moments at times too loud,
too strong for a mind to comprehend.
But onward the river flows.
Always moving unfaltering in it’s effort
to arrive wherever it needs to be.

The seasons caress the river.
Cold harsh winters, beautiful autumn days,
leaves floating downward gliding upon the waters.
Onward, Onward.

Each month, each year the river continues to flow.
with great force
or only at a trickle.
But always with a perseverance that is strength

From which our being comes our life can be seen
as a river.
flowing to an unknown destination.
Through changing landscapes
through many paths.
Crossing with others; sharing their waters then onward,
onward continuing their path.”

Someone else’s thoughts

Well with finals, gross weather, holiday bustle and a variety of other things happening in my sphere of existence I haven’t had time to think or write anything even slightly interesting to myself, much less blog worthy :] But I have had some time to read and found some interesting thoughts put down by others. So take a look and tell me what you think. . . These are excerpts from “Perfect Health” by Deepak Chopra

Chapter 1 Invitation to a higher reality  “when the forces acting against life gain the upper hand, the body has no choice but to deteriorate over time. On the other hand, if we learn to live in balance from the deepest level, our inner growth has no foreseeable limits” pg 17

Dr. Chopra is here talking about the “quantum body” which he suggests is the real source of all human growth, power, life in general. without proper attention though we can abuse and neglect our quantum body leaving ourselves vulnerable to the other things of this world; stress mental & physical, disease from this stress or disease from foreign bodies. He also suggests culturing this quantum body will save us even from aging. Not sure if I would subscribe to that thought but I do appreciate the ideas of a deeper level far beyond what we already understand of our bodies and I know from my own experience that balance (in all areas individually and conjointly) is of the utmost importance.

Chapter 7 Opening the Channels of Healing. the section of meditation is an awesome summary and clarification of what and how meditation is.

“In fact when you really examine the background static of guilt, worry, resentment, wishful thinking, fantasy, unfulfilled hopes, and vague dreams in your head, it becomes clear that the internal dialogue going on inside is literally controlling us. Each of us is a victim of memory. . .Behind the screen of our internal dialogue, there is something entirely different: the silence of a mind that is not imprisoned by the past. . .Silence is the birthplace of happiness” pg 122

I love this description. Its true for me. At times i covet silence, i often will imagine myself somewhere completely silent, like a mountain top or a field near the house I grew up in. I find myself disliking the hustle and bustle of a city and prefer instead silence in nature. Although I talk a great deal I have a hard time with a TV or music playing, noise noise and lights ahh drives me insane. Then there is the noise of my mind, of my own creation and a source of endless frustration. Finding center and balance requires silence. I get this desire sometimes that is best described as wanting to start at square one, I want to wipe my slate clean and move forward, not because I don’t like my past or something but because there is just so much! so much effecting my now. The past and the present the outside and the inside. Dr. Chopra insists there is an internal silence that is not created but is instead is an original, a natural piece of our being.

“Meditation is a kind of letting go, allowing yourself simply to be. and when you permit that to happen, your attention will always fly back to the silent, peaceful, unchanging level we simply call self. The self is home base for the mind, and by returning to it, you infuse your mind with the same peace and silence.” pg. 126

Neat aye? check out his book! It’s a good starting place for this kind of body-mind thinking.

time & melancholy

I imagine my face, not as in a mirror but as I see it. In my minds eye I am something of a mix of past and future. I’m the best and worst of what I know of myself. This face is more than a picture, it’s a sum of all my being. I see it soft and beautiful as we all wish to be, innocent. Filled with sunshine and smooth, living in a world where reality is light and easy. But then I see a crust beginning to form. Maybe it began long ago when I realized what anger can look like. Or a sum of the pain of loss, of time. Life like sun will beat upon a countenance, turning it tough, leathery. I see each betrayal, tear, angry work working upon my face to change it. I see physical pain; hunger, abuse of my hand, abuse by others. I see fear glazing over my eye. I see hopelessness scrubbing the former shine away. Each moment beats itself into me until there is nothing left of the soft beauty from before. What is left is aged, tired, broken. The skin is cracked from the blaze of the sun. The mouth drops as if in defeat. The eyes are listless, heartbreaking eyes.
Is this time? Is this what becomes of us all?

Mother Teresa

Happiness? is it worth it

“If your unhappy too many days in a row, its time to look at what your doing look at your priorities and make the changes to maintain your happiness.”

What a novel concept! It seems simple. We only have what maybe 85 years in this life? with no guarantees what so ever.

Life is about happiness. what else is there?

Monday morning!

And so another week begins! This week is the second week of implicating my “self-care plan”. Its a breakdown to try to manage everything that’s going on in my life. I, like so many other 20 year old girls I know, love stickie notes, planners, lists anything to keep things organized. Recognizing that I’ve tried to break the stressors and just other more neutral factors of my daily existence in a manageable form.

This is in response to anxiety, neurotic, depressed behavior I am starting to see in myself. I so don’t want to be in my 40′s before I realize I should be living differently. anyways

I’m focusing on 1) the body – what I eat, what I inhale, how and when my muscles are being used. All this effects the whole being. . . or so I’ve been told 2)relationships – When I’m stressed I love nothing more than to hole up and chew on my thoughts. Not necessarily a healthy practice. I’m attempting to keep social and communicate more openly. And lastly the one I’d rather avoid 3) the spiritual me – No use denying it we all have an interior “spiritual” or whatever you’d like to call it. Generally in my micro and macro culture, I guess, this guy gets ignored. But the body is a whole, all bits need attention in order to function at the prime level. . . Whatever that may be.

OH! I’m gonna be late for work!!

overload

I’m no poetry writer. This is probably my first attempt that wasn’t assigned. I love the sound of spoken word poets such as Sarah Kay and the def poetry jam guests, Here is my stab at this art

I need direction
Or is it just that I want perfection?
If only life was a box of confections
I wouldn’t feel this constant dissection
this constant reflection

I need a conclusion
am I living an illusion?
I’m covered in contusions
no amount of transfusions
will quiet these intrusions

quit
you endless wit
grin and grit
maybe my head won’t
split.

fear itself

Sometimes I’m afraid. Thats hard for me to admit, I like to view myself as a strong person. I pride myself (probably too much) on being able to handle what comes at me with efficiency and affectivity. But when it comes down to it, when I open the closet door and check in on all my skeletons I realize I am just simply that, afraid. I’m afraid I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough or attractive enough. I’m afraid I’ll fall into the lumps of categories I put other people into. I’m terrified of failure, I might fail school, I might fail my family I might fail in my relationships. I might be kicked out, cast out, and spit at by my biggest foe, my very self. You see I’ve set the standards. I’ve created the expectations as high or as low as they might be. Its tempting sometimes to hide away and make no action as to meet no failure. I can’t do that either though, I’m not satisfied with that road. My fears are mine alone even though I’m sure we all share them. I want to harness my shortcomings and use them as steam to power forward, instead of cowering below these thoughts.

So what’s my conclusion? Where do these realizations bring me? No where particularly, I find solace in putting down my thoughts, inspecting my being finding resolution through realization. Roosevelt said “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” I’m not sure if he was correct in context but here I can grab those words and nod my head in agreement.

A summer day’s reflections

 Wow life is good. I’m constantly reminded of that yet it seems every new realization should be monumentalized in some way so as I never have an excuse to forget it. Driving home as the sun sets shooting golden rays over the mountains and pine trees that make up the landscape I just had to sigh and bask in my thankfulness. Does that sound cheesy? Perhaps.

But I have to wonder, who else has such an amazing existence as mine? My two days off from my ho hum job were well spent. I went to this beautiful spa the other day then today spent the afternoon on a little quite lake kayaking. Really? Who gets to spend days like that? Even when my days aren’t filled with events or whatever else, how many people in this world we share wake up and think “Hm I wonder what today will hold?” Not many I can assure you. I wake up and breathe in clean air and am surrounded by a gorgeous forest, there is food in the refrigerator and there is running water for whatever use I need. Amazing. I’ve spent some time in theDominican Republic, and realized many things through my travels one of them being the supreme materialistic advantage I have in my everyday life. Do you know how nice it is to be able to snack just cause? Or how refreshing a long shower is where you’re not collecting water in a cup to splash yourself. Man oh man do I, and I try not to forget it. But besides the simple pleasures of such comforts life is just beautiful in its own manner. Being in such a prosperous place just helps me to realize it more readily.  

I’m reminded often that life is just a series of moments. A moment of complete contentment breathing in mountain air can be followed by a dread filled experience or heartbreak. On and on I tumble through life, sometimes eyes aglow with wonder at the world other times eyes down cast struggling within myself with whatever it is we all struggle with. The key for me is to remember that each moment is followed by another. There is no rock bottom just as there is no sky high.

I find such fulfillment in those times where I can look beyond myself and self pity, boredom, exasperation etc and internalize how beautiful the blue sky is or realizing the value of conversation with a 7 year old or a “philosophical” debate with someone. If I could realize the value of all that surrounds me all the time, the people, the landscape, the air, the music. All of it so irreplaceable. I’m rambling. I hope there is some sort of sense to be found in this. I wish I could express myself clearer! I feel what I’m learning day to day is so valuable I just want to share it, ha! But what’s been learned by me probably holds less value for others. . . Well maybe that’s just another piece of this beautiful puzzle.